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Well....i'm confused, and this came out... “Intimidation Tactics”… - poetic_thinking

About Well....i'm confused, and this came out... “Intimidation Tactics”…

Previous Entry Jul. 3rd, 2004 @ 11:46 pm Next Entry
Well....i'm confused, and this came out...

“Intimidation Tactics”

My thoughts
sparse, but heavy
seem to bleed
under the steel blade cast
down by the cut of where
you read my mind
and I can’t seem
to make my wit and charm suffice

under the scrutiny of X-Ray vision
and clear skies above the banks of your eyes
the scan view of me
is the hesitation of the scene in which
my hand dealt and cards bluffed

But superman can’t see through lead
so I’ll shed my skin for one less
and thought covering

So the fox trot around
“will you or won’t you”
becomes fast and hazy and I’m
time stepping to the
tune of you and what you set
in motion, but the strange way you
predict my reactions
is the same way
I keep missing yours

Send up a signal flare,
a firecracker,
a smoke sign, high up in the bright ozone
Cause that’s the only way I seem
able to read you

And, behind that two way mirror, I’m watched
questioned and coersed into
pointing out the clues of
how I’m seeing hues of
misguided color schemes that seem to drab and unclean

Like I’m fading the space of myself
so I can just come clean and
tell you that I think
about you
and I
and moonlight
And stars draping over the sky and where I can just spill over the intentions of trying to grasp you and hold you with lips that serve no purpose but this. And when there’s a momentary flicker of affirmation when the contemplation becomes the action behind the stroke of thought that clasps on to you. And when I feel no resistance but submition to the fleeting thought of us, is when past unsaid stories, and unwritten words I can once again be heard. In this emperphral dance of us....

But past daydreams of the coffee scene clouded hold
of where I forget I’m told
I’m not the one,
nor close to being seen as someone
who could drape across the canvas of being the one

I’ll just retrace my steps into the misguided path
and step right out of
tactics used to ensnare a wandering mind
: crushedcrushed
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Date:July 4th, 2004 11:00 pm (UTC)

Been there . . .

Content-wise I can really relate. I think I know where your are trying to go with this.

But please don't get mad at me if I'm being to forward about this piece.

Have you ever tried to cut all the ands, buts , the's, and "seems to"'s?
You might also watch all the "ing" words they tend to weaken a piece.
"Seems to" gets wish washy to me, just say it full fledged.
Also try to look at the page layout.
Your lines keep jumping in length.

This is a 1st draft, right? Cause these are the kinds of things I'm told all the time on my 1st drafts and I usual reluctantly agreeing on.

I'd really like to do an edit on it,cutting some of the stuff I mentioned and repositioning the lines, if your interested and don't mind. Let me know.
[User Picture Icon]
Date:July 5th, 2004 01:12 pm (UTC)

Re: Been there . . .

okay not mad at ALL! as for the ands, buts, ect. I've been told this so many times i'm numb, really it's a habit. And it's also a sign of how i'm writing at the time, if i'm writing to publish or have something extraordinary i minimize those words with great skill, however on a poem like this (sort of a diray entry, or gushing of emotion) i just go with whatever comes out not really trying to resist the horrible temptation, but thank you for reminding me, very good comments. As for rewriting or editting and cutting, i'd rather not, just because personally i like rewriting whatever i think comes to mind without influences, i'm a very very stubborn writer. Which also makes self editing difficult, and has been the cause of several fights with my editor, but still...just how i like to do it. But thanks
[User Picture Icon]
Date:July 8th, 2004 12:39 am (UTC)

Re: Been there . . .

I completly understand. I'm not usually so forward, it just reminded me of something I wrote. As far as editing, I ususally feel the same way about my stuff. Hang in there,sometimes you just have to pack it away for a while before you can edit objectively. Give it time. Good luck, hope your feel better.
Date:July 7th, 2004 01:19 am (UTC)


I hope you feel better babe... writing should help.
I like this but... not all of it...there are places where it is redundant, and places where it reads better as prose. Revise. It will help. :)
[User Picture Icon]
Date:July 7th, 2004 04:45 am (UTC)

Re: Aw...

i don't see feeling better in the current future, but it is a passing thing...as for revisiing, i think i'll stick this one in the back of the book, and just look to it as a diary entry...maybe it's worth making it into something, but later...thank you
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